I'm having a tough, bittersweet morning.

My 18 (now almost nineteen) year old son wants to move back home. As I've shared with you all in the past, he's a mess. He chose, after we layed down the law that we were not going to tolerate drug use and the mental/emotional abuse he was giving all of us that went with that, to move out back in January. Now, he's being kicked out of where he was living. He dropped out of high school and won't keep a job (they tend to interfere with his partying and band schedule). He was such a brilliant, but quirky boy, basically his entire life. Lovable, but impossible to live with. We spent literally thousands of dollars, countless hours, and many tears trying to get help for Andrew for probably half of his life. I keep looking backward to try to figure out where we went wrong as parents. It just makes no sense to me.

Anyhow, Andrew is wanting to move back home, now that he is about to become a homeless person. I want to help him, but have such misgivings about having him back here. Aside from missing him terribly at times, and worrying about his well-being endlessly, our lives are much more peaceful without his angry tirades when we won't tolerate him being intoxicated in our home. On the plus side, Andrew has started seeing an excellent therapist and psychiatrist. They feel that he's probably schizophrenic. Maybe this is from years of using hallucinogenic drugs? They do not seem to think so. Seems to me that it is a strong possibility, but they do not think so. They're the professionals.

How does this all relate to my suggies? Well, I have sixteen sweet fuzzbutts now. Five of them are in two additional huge cages that were not here back in January. It has been difficult playing with everyone each night with them all in different cages. I've been working on trying to get little groups merged into slightly larger colonies, but we're not there yet. I know that this takes time, and it may never happen.

If we allow Andrew to move back home, I lose my glider room. We're back to keeping the gliders downstairs. I really do not have the space to keep all of these cages downstairs. My playtime with the suggies will be relegated to the downstairs bathroom and tent time again, which is fine...but I have to have a good location for all these big cages to actually live!

Finally, I do not know if I can handle the stress of continuing to juggle various colonies during playtime every night combined with the stress of having my son back home. If he moves back home, we're all going to have a lot of recovery work to do. My suggies have been a source of joy for me. I do not want for them to feel like a chore. That's not fair to them, or myself.

By most standards, I'd still have a lot of suggies here! There's no way in heck I am willing to rehome Molly's colony of six. Rehoming Tommy and Elvin is definitely out of the question, too.

Edited to add: I know. I should have known better than to take the additional five gliders in. Actually, by the time we took them in, Andrew had been living out of the house for six months. He gleefully expressed that he would NEVER move back home at that point. Never believe never. Also, just to clarify--Andrew wasn't doing drugs at nine years old! He was just very difficult to deal with at home and school, and we were searching for answers for him way back then that we never really got.

I can feel for you,my oldest boy is 15. I (sorry to say) kicked him out of the house when he said,"screw you" there was more to it than that but it started over me trying to get him to pick up the trash HE kicked over. He moved next door with his grandparents. I have put up with his mouth and attitude for years. I fixed his room up for the girls but he ended up moving back in a week or 2 ago so I lost that. I also wonder where we went wrong as parents. I told him the day he came back home that his next stop was going to be boot camp(or something). My nerves can't take much more of his whole attitude. He doesn't listen,he's sneaky and at times can be aggressive towards his younger brother and sister. He's even gotten in my face like he wanted to hit me,He even went as far as to push his Dad once. He has been(still is)seeing counselors and we've tried medications, nothing works. I am at a loss as to what to do.
He just has the mentallity that he's going to do what he wants regardless of the consequences(sp). He has some sort of mental issue but I don't know what.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, I can understand where your coming from. Its tough when you just don't know what to do. It's got to be harder for you with your son being 18 AND having drugs involved.
Hopefully the therapist and the psychiatrist will be able to help him.
So far noone has been of much if any help for my son.

We went through all of that, too. :-( I am feeling a little calmer now this evening, after digesting everything over the course of the day while I worked. That, and a round of cage scrubbing with my daughter and her friend (we actually had fun...cool but pretty day here today!)helped me clear my head a little. Nothing like a little 10% bleach solution to clear the mind, eh?! LOL!

I think I can work this out, with my other daughters and husband being as supportive as they are. We'll see.

Things will work out like they're supposed to :)

I am sure you did nothing wrong with how you raised him. If you gave him all of your love, your time, and your patience, you did all that you could. You even got him help on your time and dollar. Sometimes these things are genetic (violence and obsession/addiction) but more often than not it is just chance.

My two older brothers and I have had the same life experience and pretty much the same genetics (minus I'm a girl so none of that Y chromosome!) and we could not be more different. My older brother is a deadbeat father with an abussive wife with three kids and they are all living on welfare and we suspect them both do be using pot and alcohol. He is 26 and is one credit away from graduating high school. My other brother finally cleaned up his act and has adopted my other brother's kids and has one of his own, and has just gotten his GED. Before that he used to beat me up (literally with a golf club, his fists, brooms, and he even shot me with a b b gun) and dropped out of school his senior year.

Then you have me, the youngest, who is a pacifist, chaste, doesn't do drugs (okay I do drink on occasion and am currently on painkillers for a foot injury), and who graduate cum laude from a prestigious private college.

The point is that we all had our tragic past and our loving mother, and all ended up differently. My mother blames herself all the time for how they turned out, but the thing is, she didn't do anything wrong!

Thanks for your story and kind words! Hey, maybe it is that chromosomal difference. My two daughters are so different from him. They're all very bright kids, but the girls are doing fabulously in school. They don't have any interest in drugs (well, at least from what I can see...and I am a seasoned veteran at this point! LOL!).

Mollysmom kids have a way of working things out I have a daughter will be 30 this year. She had her first child at 18 I have raised him since he was 6 months old. She thinks she has done it all she was a very troubled child running away smoking, drinking, drugs, sex etc. She has since had 2 other children she does an ok job with them she is still a single mother but she does have two part time jobs her own apartment and she only drinks a little now and then now. Some time it just takes a lot of time, pain, heartbreak, and tough love but some of them do turn around for the better. I wish all the luck for you and your family. I may be out of line but prayer works also. I pray everyday for my family to stay strong and stay together it seems to be working for me. Best of luck

I agree with byrd, prayer (to whomever you pray to) is sometimes all we have in this world. I will be praying for you and your son!

I agree, there is power in prayer and I do believe kids/adults may eventually come around. Depending on what is actually hereditary(as in my sons case)or damaged from drug abuse. I could tell you some horror stories about my Mom's Mother, she WAS crazy. So really it's not surprising my son has problems.

The Y chromosome is very existent in me and I'm totally fine! =P

Twenty years old, junior in college, living on my own(which I hate, I miss home! v.v), and having plenty of responsibility.

I personally think it's the rebellious stage you're experiencing. Most boys are very hard to handle during this stage due to our body's drastic chemistry change. Sometimes the children just have to want to change and most of the time they do finally figure out how they are acting is wrong(Usually found out the hard way through substances and just being rebellious.) All you can do is be there for your children, in the end, it's their choice how their life will turn out.

I have been in the same boat with our son since he was very young. He's now 27 and even though he has straightened out his life for the most part it is not without consequences.

He did as he pleased, treated us like crap, talked bad to us, would not hold down a job and almost cost me my marriage. I LOVE him with all my heart but he has been difficult forever. At a yound age he was diagnoised with ADHD and put on Ritalin. That helped alot but I felt really bad for him.

At 18 my husband and I decided he had to move out. Since he wouldn't hold down a job (10 W2's in one year) we could no longer afford to support him. Even after kicking him out I continued to help him financially including the purchase of two vehicles. One got repo'd and the other wrecked. We let him move back home twice and both times it only lasted a few months.

Now he was never a drunk or a druggie but we had our other problems and most of it being his attitude and his work ethics.

He moved to MA about three years ago and began working with children who were removed from their homes by the state for various reasons and it helped him alot. He has a whole different attitude and has changed alot. He's worked this job for three years now but is still a financial disaster.

The one drawback in the consequences he and us are paying for him being so wild with his "I'm going to do what I want" attitude. I live everyday with the fear that my son may possibly die before me as a result of his careless life style. I LOVE him no matter who he is more than anything in the world but the cross we all carry because of his recklessness is very sad and painful.

I feel for you and the pain that you are in emotionally. It is very hard to try and do what your heart tells you to do, when the ones you love so much keep hurting you so much. No matter what happens I'm sure you were and are a wonderful mother. The pain you are in that I read in this post tell me so. I will pray for you and your son as I do for mine and hope all goes well and gets better. I hope you find a way to keep all your babies because they will be and are such a great part of your life. Your a wonderful suggie mom and you babies are your blessing to you. I've read it in your posts. God Bless you and your family and your babies and I hope everything gets better for you all.

Goldwinger--it sounds like we've been down very similar paths with our sons. I went and helped my son pack up all of his stuff from the home he got kicked out of this afternoon. It's all here in a big pile in the basement right now. I love my son, but feel emotionally fatigued. I tried to talk to him this afternoon about the fact that if he wants to move back home, he's going to have to stay sober. He told me that he's not willing to do that. In fact, he's now taking off to party for the night!

Last night, my husband and I had a long, confidential talk about how we wanted to proceed with Andrew. Duane said that he wants Andrew to get and stay sober to live here, and I agree. He's got serious mental health issues. He needs to be on medications that it's doubtful that he's going to take. He doesn't want any meds that actually make him feel normal and productive. The antidepressants interfere with his high, according to Andrew.

Well, he sees the therapist on Monday and the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I think I am going to have to at least let them know where we stand with him, so that maybe they can help him find alternative living arrangements if he can't stay here.

Oye! It's like having a big, unwieldy twelve year old in the body on a nineteen year old, with all of the freedoms and opportunity to make mistakes, but lack of desire to take any responsibilities!!!

Moriko-- I was attempting to make a stupid, sexist joke. I know there are lots of great young men out there making their way in this world, just like yourself. Unfortunately, if this is a phase for my son, it's been going on since he was nine years old, and only gotten worse!

Byrd--Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps me to know that we're not alone in this. I think so many people who have never experienced having a troubled child cannot understand! And, I think that lots of people mistakenly think that if they are loving and supportive, their children will turn out perfect. I'm here to tell you, I do know that my son had a wonderful childhood, except for the times when he threw major rages when he didn't get his way.

suggieluv--I feel for you.I am so sorry to read all that you're going through with your son. Please feel free to PM or e-mail if you ever need to talk, too. I am sending lots of positive energy in your direction.

To everyone who wrote--the love and support I feel from many members of this community kind of blows me away!!! Thanks so much for all of your kind words and positive thoughts.

Moriko-I do agree that men can be just as good or as bad as women, and I have some terrific friends, and some guys I will never talk to again. I am glad to see that you live responsibly!

Mollysmom-I don't know if it is pertinant (okay I so can't spell!) but I know that I have some psychological issues and my SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) Prozac does work small wonders in keeping that in check. I take it for my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but it also helps with my depression. I've been through the suicidal lows, and as much as I hate to say I need crazy pills (okay they are not crazy pills-its just like a diabetic taking insulin, I need my serotinin), they have saved me. I still feel sad, I still feel happy, they just lessen the valleys. If you do believe that your son has a serious psychological issue, I would stress the importance of these meds. I am currently on vicodin due to a foot injury and I stopped taking my Prozac because I don't want them to interfere, but I don't think that would hurt the 'high', and I think it will make him feel better overall. I don't know if this helps at all, but I figured I would share about how they have seriously helped my life!

I am so very sorry to hear about all this. Believe me - this doesn't just "hit" the boys. My oldest daughter went on her little tirad in Jr. High and at 28 hasn't gotten out of it. Started drugs in Sr High. She was pregant with her 1st child in her Sr. year. My now ex-husband and I agreed to take care of that grandchild, so she could go to college and make a life for the two of them - she ended up pregnant again. In the end, she had three children, now 2 of them live with their fathers. The youngest is living with my ex-husband. She is living scott-free, with yet another boyfriend out of state. Still on drugs, alcohol and who knows what. Yes, my ex-tried blaming me for what She has turned into. I had to tell him that I wasn't anywhere near her, when she chose to get pregnant, take drugs and so on. Bottom line -it's NOT your fault. Some people choose this life-style, no matter how well they've been raised. I don't and can't blame myself. My now husband & I live in the same area as the 3rd child's fathers family. For her safety we couldn't take her. PM me if you would like to talk more about this. It's hard - really hard. Sometimes you have to think about what's best for the rest of your family - this includes all of your four legged family members.

WOW we might need to start a little support group with all of us having teen problems. I feel most of mine are behind me for the most part. Chloe, my 15 year old went through cutting herself and things of that nature. I didn't think I would ever get through it.

I think hers was totally rebellious behavior. I think she thought it was a cool thing. I think she had friends that did it maybe and thought it was a status thing with them.

Guess what... now she hates the scars and can't understand why she ever thought it was cool or the need to fit into that crowd.

A couple years ago I was sorta where you are now... I had kicked Chloe out. She was living at my sisters. I was going to lose my sanity if she stayed with us plus I had to think about Isabella. She was doing things to Isabella sometimes. I could never prove it but Isabella would start screaming and say Chloe had hurt her. I think she was jealous of Isabella and the attention she got at times. My oldest was still living at home when all of this started. She was miserable.. I was miserable and my marriage was taking a hit from the whole situation. She stayed with my sister for about 5 or 6 months and I had her come home due to my sister being a worse influence on her than she was a good one. UUGH I put my foot down before she came home. I told her it was my way or the juvenile detention center. We already had spoken with someone about putting her there for a couple months due to her behavior at school and such in the past. Anyway things have been pretty good. She has matured alot and only makes me wanna strangle her every now and then,..lol

I will keep you in my prayers Mollysmom and the rest of you as well. When they are little they are stepping on our coat tails and when they grow up they step on our hearts.

I am so sorry to hear you are going through all of this! I am kinda scared now for my babies to grow up. They are only 8 and going on 10 I can't imagine them possibly like this. But as parents all we can do is lay down a good foundation and teach them to be respectful. At some point they will branch on their own and I know I just always pray that we taught them enough of what we suffered through as teens and our stupid mistakes that they don't make the same. That's all we can do. And when they mess up we just have to be there and pray the lord helps us through it. That's all we can do!

This is precisely why I have only 2 daughters-Eclipse my kitty, and Wavern my glider! They never grow up, although I did have the 'teenage' years with my cat! Sorry, not trying to make light of everyone's issues, just saying that I will probably be the person with 900 animals instead of kids!

((((((hugs)))))))))

Thanks, Angie--it's good to see you around here again! :-)

quote:

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Originally posted by Mollysmom

Goldwinger--it sounds like we've been down very similar paths with our sons. I went and helped my son pack up all of his stuff from the home he got kicked out of this afternoon. It's all here in a big pile in the basement right now. I love my son, but feel emotionally fatigued. I tried to talk to him this afternoon about the fact that if he wants to move back home, he's going to have to stay sober. He told me that he's not willing to do that. In fact, he's now taking off to party for the night!

Last night, my husband and I had a long, confidential talk about how we wanted to proceed with Andrew. Duane said that he wants Andrew to get and stay sober to live here, and I agree. He's got serious mental health issues. He needs to be on medications that it's doubtful that he's going to take. He doesn't want any meds that actually make him feel normal and productive. The antidepressants interfere with his high, according to Andrew.

Well, he sees the therapist on Monday and the psychiatrist on Wednesday. I think I am going to have to at least let them know where we stand with him, so that maybe they can help him find alternative living arrangements if he can't stay here.

Oye! It's like having a big, unwieldy twelve year old in the body on a nineteen year old, with all of the freedoms and opportunity to make mistakes, but lack of desire to take any responsibilities!!!

Moriko-- I was attempting to make a stupid, sexist joke. I know there are lots of great young men out there making their way in this world, just like yourself. Unfortunately, if this is a phase for my son, it's been going on since he was nine years old, and only gotten worse!

Byrd--Thank you for sharing your story. It really helps me to know that we're not alone in this. I think so many people who have never experienced having a troubled child cannot understand! And, I think that lots of people mistakenly think that if they are loving and supportive, their children will turn out perfect. I'm here to tell you, I do know that my son had a wonderful childhood, except for the times when he threw major rages when he didn't get his way.

suggieluv--I feel for you.I am so sorry to read all that you're going through with your son. Please feel free to PM or e-mail if you ever need to talk, too. I am sending lots of positive energy in your direction.

To everyone who wrote--the love and support I feel from many members of this community kind of blows me away!!! Thanks so much for all of your kind words and positive thoughts.

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I know you are being patient with him, but please remember to do so. The human mind is an amazing and also very unknown to all of us. This is something that was opened up more to me in Psychology class.

You're so welcome.. we all know you would be here for us in any way possible. This is just how people in this community are. If there is any other way I could help, just give me a pm. ^^'

My thoughts and prayers are with you. The teenage years are never easy. I say now that I have moved to grandparenthood that maybe it will be easier. Who am I kidding, our children will always need us no matter how old they get or how far or near they are to us. I have 7 children, some grown others not so much, by age or other reasons. I sympathize with you and will keep you, your gliders, your son and family in my prayers.