Ok so ya christmas is comin.......Everytime someone says have a merry christmas or reminds me how close it is I cringe. I feel like the Grinch because I have No presents for anyone. I'm excited about seeing the fam I love them to death always good times. Unless my grama decides to lift up my shirt again in front of everyone to see if my pants fit right. I don't have a dime to my name I'll be lucky if my account is still positive by christmas. The only thing I want is cash so I can pay my bills ever since my fiance took off I've jus been falling farther and farther behind and caring less and less, As the world swallows me in a big dark hole that I can't seem to climb out of. Is it ever going to end it's hard enough that my grama s getting close to dying and my favorite grampa died around christmas. It's just not a good time of the year for me. I'm lonely and I can tell the cats are getting depressed just looking at me I try to act happy around them but they can just tell when I'm hurting inside. How do they know? I'm thankful to have them around though. And the cuddly fur butts of course. My sis has been a savior I've been staying at her house alot and she always has cute guys over so that's nice to just have company and not think about all the baddd stuff. So a few unanswerable questions. How long will this chaos in my life last? When will I feel whole? Have I ever been whole or just part of a whole that was me and Chris. Will I ever not feel like the black sheep of the family because I have let them all down. My Cougar broke down 2 weeks ago. And then I ran over a huge box on the highway and busted the radiator to my grama's car. 1600$ and the cougar is done. So when my dad found out all this he said, "You deserve this for your life decisions, Don't call me don't call the Family your on your own." I was in shock a little but not really he's just angry and miserable and broke. I hate being a burden to everyone but I do thank god for having such a great extended family I don't know what will happen when my grama's gone she's the glue between all of us. She keeps my dad in check. He acts like I chose to tourcher him by wreckin my grama's car. He thinks I stay up late everynight trying to find ways to make his life worse. I just HATE christmas it's like the stick that broke the camels back and I'm the camel. I remember being a kid so happy for christmas to come it was my favorite holiday now it's the worst call me the Grinch I don't care.
I have been having crazy nightmares. I can't stop them and I can't wake up from them. Before, Chris would hear me screaming in my sleep and wake me up. Now I'm just stuck in them screaming and no one is there to get me out of the terror that fills my mind. People ask have you slept lately? Are you OK? What's wrong? God I hate that one, I'm like well lets see um let me get a pen and I'll make a list. I used to sleep at least 10 hours a day now I take naps 4-5 hours long so when I do sleep I sleep so hard that I usually can't dream or just don't remember them I don't know. But then I get to wake up to the nightmare that is my life. I try to sleep during the day so if I do have a nightmare at least it's not all dark and scary when I wake up. I dono how to get out of this rut I don't even know where to begin. I can't handel everything? Any suggestions please post