Sep 17, 2008
my life is soo stressfull, sometimes I don't think its worth it.
WOW, my life is soo screwed up, my parents just got into a divorce, I don't talk to my dad, my mom met someone, and they just love eachother, they are already talking about getting married in six months, my mom and sister fight all the time ( they yell scream call eachother every name in the book) the last two days I have somehow ended up in their fights ( I try my hardest to stay out, but the last two nights I ended up in them) then I end up fighting with both of them. there are eight kids in my family, I am the oldest ( 17) which means more responsibility for me, there is a lot of drama at the place that I work, fights, romances, ect. ( I work at the local A&W) so I go to work and come home to more stress. my sister is constantly saying she hates our family, she wants to live with her dad but she never goes and stays full time with him, my sister Liz, and I use to be soo close we could tell eachother anything, Our dad was abusive when he lived here, and that I think helped us bond, we used to spend hours, plotting to run away, or get rid of him, and other stuff, now she thinks the world of him because he has become the " disnyland dad" and he isn't abusive anymore...yet. yesterday the babysitter was sick and knowone could watch the two youngest kids ( they are to young to go to school) and I had a half hour before I had to be to work, ( I ride my bike to work) it takes about a half an hour to get there:( so my mom asked her bosses if she couls take the day off, and she came home, I felt like she was mad at me, and I felt very bad, so I gave her my gift card ( it had 25 bucks on it). I was 20 minutes late... I work really hard at work, If i work in the morning, I'm th only person there for two hours and we have three lists of things to get done, I get them all done except for one thing ( everyone else only gets one list done, cause they don't want to do all the work) I know this cause they told me, well there is some one there who doesn't like me, and I leave her one thing to do, and she flips oput on me, most of us are young under 23, and she is forty, and she is crazy, even one of the bosses thinks so, she flips out all the time on us. anyway...I always clean the house for my mom, ( its messy alot, with eight kids who don't do crap!) and I'm always babysitting,if its my day off I babysit, I babysit before I go to work ( before the babysitter comes and picks them up) the babysitter is my 30 year old cousin, my mom and her disagree on alot of things, and I get to hear both ends of it, ( they both talk about their side of the fight to me.
right know I get my own room, and two of my sisters share another room, and the rest share a huge family room/den, turned into a bedroom, and the two little one are in my moms room, but now this guy my mom met, he is really nice but, they are talking about renting a place in the next town over, where he lives, and it might not allow animals, my mom is soo in love with this guy, that I think she would make me get rid of my animals ( I have tywo dogs and three gliders) and I probably won't get my own room, because it sounds like he will be paying for at least half of the rent. ( I really need my own room, its the cleanest place in the house and I go there every chance I get to try and relax), I'm sorry I'm jumping all over the page and going from One thing to the next, but I'm verry upset and stressed.
I have diabetes, type one ( with the shots) and my blood has been up in the 3 and 4 hundreds, thats really bad.
I try to be a good person, I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, I'm not the typical teenager, I don't give a crap about new clothes or brands, ( I shop on ebay or at garage sales, thats my own choice), I'm homeschooled ( thats my chioce also) I help my mom out the best I can, by watching the kids, cleaning up the house, fixing things, buying her things ( I bought her a brand new dishwasher about six months ago, cause hers broke and she couldn't afford a new one) I also helped her out with some of the bills a few months ago. but sometimes she gets mad at me for little things, like today she asked if I could get cought up on the laundry, its my day off and the babysitter is still sicvk so I'm watching my two siblings ( a fou year old) and a year old , he is crawling, so its hard to make sure he doesn't get anything in his mouth. anyways I got most of the laundry folded, ( there was about six big baskets of clothes) but I only got one load started ( I kept forgetting to start them) nand she got mad at me, she said she was very disapointed. It really hurts me when she get disapointed or mad at me cause I try really hard.
I'm sorry I'll stop now, Its just I feel sooo stressed, and the thought of moving and having to get rid of my animals, makes me very sad, I used to have four dogs, but had to get rid of two, and then oine of them died, so I got another one, so thats how I have two, but the thought of loosing them makes me want to die, Ive already decided that if that happens I'm going to kill myself, cause life is not worth living without my animals, they are the only reason I keep on living.
I'm sorry, this is soo long and messed up.
Oct 01 2008 : 12:44:08 PMBlindSnake
I can fully relate to how you are feeling. I lived in a series of homes from when I was 12. Its funny, each place wwas just as crazy as the last! The home I lived in when I was !6, was a very large family. I too, was the one who seemed to have to do all the work, and I felt like I couldnt say no. Because the mother was not there when I was putting in the hard yards, she she didnt see or realise how much I was really doing.
I too used to hide in my room as often as I could, just to have some peace, and time to myself. I was forced to give up pets, and I thought I would never be able to make it thru, just as you do now.
When you are a teenager, you are just learning how to deal with life and the problems that go with it. The hormones meann that you will find things more stressful, and harder to cope with. I promise you, that as you approach and get into your 20s, things will settle down. The things that you thought wee un-livable, will not seem quite so bad. I worked as a councellor with teens in my early 20s (29now) and I have seen so many transition in to having a much more positive outlook on life.
Please give yourself and your family a chanct to see that transition too. There is so much that life has to offer you, that you cant see now. Please trust that things will get better.
My mother committed suicide after she abandoned me, and she was gone. She didnt get to see her kids again, listen to music, make new friends,love or be loved, ever again. Its just not worth it. In a month, or a year, she would have felt differently about taking her own life.
I wonder If you would feel that you couid show your mum this journal entry? I know it would be really hard, but she needs to know how you are feeling, or she may never realise how hard you are finding yhe situation. You may not think that it would make a difference, or that you dont want to stress her out, but she would want to know, and maybe if you show her your post, it will open up conversation about it, and you will feel understood, like you have been heard. Maybe she just dosnt realise how stressed you are, as she is stressed too.
If you can talk about it, there is every chance that you will reach an understanding. Maybe she will say that she will try her best to find a place where you can keep you babies, but you will never know if you dont try.
I know how bad you must be feeling to reach out online, so if youre feeling really bad, and you need to talk. you can send me a pm. Hang in there, and let us know how things go. xx
Sep 23 2008 : 06:45:30 AMsugar_gliders_rule_me_1
Acquila, You sound like very bright girl!! My oldest will be 17 in October, I can't imagine her feeling the same way, It breaks my heart to hear your in such pain, life will get better!! your siblings and pets need you!! it will all work out in the end!! I wish you the best of luck!!
Sep 18 2008 : 02:13:38 PMTeresaAnn
Acquila, I am also like Kyro I can relate to you also. Your siblings do need you they relate to you more then what you think they do. You sound like to me you are the backbone there keeping thigs togather. It won't always be this bad. It might feel like it right now but it won't. 17 is a tough age. very tough. Sounds like to me you have a good head on your shoulders. Maybe about the animal thing you could sit your mom down and ask to have a talk with her just you and hear and ask her to hear you out about what you would like. Hopefully she is interested in hearing what you have to say and your feelings. Good Luck Gurly... KEEP YOUR HEAD UP.. always carry smile on your face.
Sep 18 2008 : 01:24:42 AMkyro298
Acquila, your siblings need you, especially the younger ones and they look up to you more than you know. They'll grow up following your example. Your pets need you too. I know it doesn't feel like anyone does, but they do. 17 was one of the hardest years of my life and I also wondered if I was going to make it through-trust me, I could write a book and make millions but people probably wouldn't even believe most of it. It's scary how much I can relate to what you're saying. You will make it through. I promise you. You have an outlet here. Things will NOT always stay this way. I had to learn the hard way that no one can make you feel useless, weird or inferior unless you let them. :) Hugs...
Occupation:baby sitter/ student
Member since: May 20, 2008
Posts: 229 View my pictures! I'm on the map!
Dogs, sugar gliders, sewing, crafts, drawing, the list goes on and on...
just got a glider
I have a few favorites...
what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
lifes a bitch, then you die.
I am 18, still living with my mom ( strying to save so I can move out) I work as a busser/waitress, sometimes 30 hrs a week sometimes 10...depends on the week.
I have 3 dogs, two Golden retrievers and a Goldendoodle ( Golden/Poodle mix) a cat who I bottle fed since week one. and now a Sugar glider joey!
you will almost always see me with one of my pets, they are like a security blanket, and yes I am aware that many people think i'm weird cause Im always with a pet, but I don't care! send me an e-mail! tell me about you and your pets, if your going through a hard time and want to talk just e-mail...I'm a good listener! Hope to talk to you soon!